With this in mind we had no choice but to head North to the world famous Californian wine region of Napa Valley, even if just to compare it to our pride and joy back home. We checked into a hotel where the proprietor warmly greeted us and began his "welcome to wine country" speech. But I was having none of it;
"I'm gonna go ahead and stop you right there Ceasar Palacski. I'm kind of a big deal when it comes to wine. Save the history lesson for the Japs."
-was what I should have said. Instead we were roped into his proud-to-be-Californian speel after which he began suggesting vineyards according to price. Price? Yes, gone were the days of strolling onto farms back home and being welcomed by horndogs demanding nothing more than your gees. Anything up to $20 per tasting, we were told. First hiccup. After a quick (for some) change of clothes we were kitted out in full-blooded wine country attire. Or rather what we thought to be wine country attire. In hindsight we did look a bit queer but spirits were as high as soberness would allow and we were keen to get onto the battlefield. We were advised against driving because the cops in this part of the world were particularly firm on drinking and driving, and we decided to heed this advice because we had seen first-hand what lengths a juiced-up cop was willing to go to in order to uphold the law, protect his country from all threats foreign and domestic blah blah Homeland Security whatever. A friend of ours was kicked out of a club back in Florida and, let's just say she didn't go quietly. Well she went quietly back to South Africa after a night in jail, and returned quietly for her court appearance for assault on a 200lb police officer. I'll leave it at that. Anyway we were to rent bikes. We chose the Blue Route advised for children and senior citizens, because years of wine tasting had taught us that this is exactly what we would be reduced to after a couple of stops.
There was no negotiating it, we had to wear helmets. Our protests were ignored along with the suggestion that we lived day to day in a combat zone known as the Republik of South Africa, and that falling off a bike didn't pose the same threat to us as driving home through Santon did. But this man would not be moved and when he began reciting Californian road law we submitted. Our hats (essential) we're brushed aside as we replaced them with 2 times 1977 Tour De France safety bike comfort-line helmets. With the antiques in place and our dignity trampled we began the trip, more elegantly than we would be ending it. Napa valley is bigger than the Stellenbosch wine-growing region, but also more accessible. There are also many mico-wineries which was interesting to learn and meant that we could taste wines from several different winemakers at each stop. This was both convenient and necessary, since neither of us was expecting a call-up from Team Garmin in the near future, and we were trying to limit the cycling, especially in our rapidly-deteriorating state. We found that the winemakers at each vineyard were incredibly proud of their wine and also very technical, compared to back home where the "experts" behind the counter were actually your housemates trying to get you hammered enough to leave. The area is unbelievably scenic and doing the route by bike was definitely the right move, although warnings of DUI charges were found to be a bit of a hoax judging by the cars that littered each wine farm. We didn't mind though; being finely-tuned athletes meant that we always welcomed a physical challenge. The fact that each wine tasting was costing us a small fortune led to us stumbling upon the idea of sharing glasses and paying half price, the way any self respecting South African would. We found that given enough pressure and interest the wine-maker always seemed to top us up generously. We also weren't holding back on stories of Stellenbosch and how we were touring the world trying to find a more impressive wine-region. Appeal to an American's sense of national pride and the creature will open up like a can of beans. Agree with him and he will be eating out your hand. It's a similar concept to that of disrespecting Danie Rossouw to a Bulls fan. Sooner or later he will want to arm wrestle you. So we were making progress and stretching our $20 per stop as far as it would go. But we had to get serious, and purchased a bottle of wine. As you can imagine the vineyards then became far more colourful and the people bloody fantastic!
As our 5pm rental curfew approached we had to high-tail it back to town which sounds easier than it was. The 2-man peloton winding its way through the Napa mountains in fading light was a disaster waiting to happen, and when we arrived back it was tough to adjudicate whether the bike-shop owner was more relieved than we were. He definitely wasn't as drunk. There were still a few tasting rooms open in town and we found one that was run by a student so we roped her in and shared a bottle or four- on the house, and had now transformed into authorities on everything from fermentation to soil composition. It appeared to work. Across the road was the local watering hole where the newly formed 3-ball switched from wine to something that my clouded memory tells me was whisky, but could easily have been anything else. We went to a pricey dinner where we either threatened to, or actually succeeded in pulling a runner. From there things get understandably hazy but I remember feeling numb, as one does in such states. My gut tells me we went back to the hotel, and lets hope that's where we passed out. Probably not.
The verdict on which region is better really depends on what you're after. If you're looking for a cheap pissup with friendly faces then I doubt Stellenbosch can be beaten. But Napa presents a unique blend of impressive wine power-houses and small micro-wineries which are different and more personal than anything present in the Cape. There's also the fact that you can do it by bike which you can't do in Stellies. If you find yourselves in the Valley I say hire one, but anything further than the lame blue route will call on stamina and co-ordination that you just won't possess on your way back- take it from an athletic machine that almost had to hitch-hiked back. The town is as awesome as Stellenbosch, (minus the bergies) and if you've recently won several lotteries then there is nothing to worry about and everything to see, buy and drink.
Ruling : Definitely worth a visit, if not two.
NB Tip- Don't run from a cop. In a similar fashion to dealing with a gorilla or jungle cat, stand your ground. If he senses weakness he will probably taze you.
NB Tip- Johnny Loco bicycles have actually started running wine tastings by bike in Stellenbosch. Email them at info@ctic.co.za or visit http://www.ctic.co.za/establishments/south-africa/Johnny-Loco-Explore/eid/4600/
