Lindsey Riddin
We can all take a note out of this bird's book because she has seen it all. She hails from the infamous Rhodes University - generally acknowledged as the most revolting pit of sin on Earth - which tells you that she is pretty comfortable at the bar. She proved her commitment fully to the drinking cause when she found herself face down in the dirt at Heathensville, but picked herself up and pushed on to the finish. Her only fault must be in her choice of companions, and she has had some shockers, but the fact that she's played with the Damo flame and emerged without 3rd degree burns tells you something; (1) she has balls; (2) she has been to hell and back. She doesn't back down from much and has already achieved the dream that most of us will never touch; making out with a girl in a gay club.
Alias : Mom
Catch Phrase : "Hey kid"
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| Moonbags - trendy in Canada |
Boram Hong
So you thought her name was Bo. Join the club. The real question is, would you have become friends with her if you'd known the truth - and more importantly - is it too late to facebook unfriend her? Either way the secret is out. You could be forgiven for wondering how this one slipped into our group in the first place. She's glowing like a traffic beacon after 2 drinks, grinning like the Joker after 4 and usually draped over the nearby furniture by 5.(pm). She's about as funny as a sober Mop, incapable of dishing out an insult let along a comeback, and to top it all off she's from Canada. But... Bo has something that no other superstar on this page can boast. Loyalty. She's a team player, the ultimate bugger. While we're all pissing into the wind and Damo's stealing the mic from The Chemical Brothers, Bo is the only source of sanity within our ranks. She puts up with Q, fights off Dorian and is sleeping with a serial killer. The question is, how could we not have her?
Smut Status : Stick to the hula hoop.
Alias : Bo; 12 steps.
Catch Phrase : "What are you talking aboot"
Dorian Jones
Leaving behind a tainted past which included a stint with the infamous Coat hanger Gang on the streets of Cape Town, he is a true Heathen in every sense of the word. Equipped with two rubber arms and a Soju addiction that is signing checks his liver can’t cash, he’s made an impact on more than a few this side of the border. He’s currently jobless, homeless, conscienceless and can be found most nights at Club Vera wearing his cheetah suit and scoring free drinks off the locals who hold a reverence for him that is usually reserved for K-Pop stars and Justin Bieber.
Smut Status : Vice-captain.
Cartoon : Sid the Sloth.
Animal : Cheatah
Alias: The tanned lizard; Guy.
Catch Phrase : "Hey guy!" ; "Kenchana!"
Jonathan Stuyvie
One half of a genetic catastrophe which resulted in two identical nightmares being unleashed onto the world, Jono has remained with us while his better half Fredrick returned home to stunt the future of our great Republik. It seems this place just wasn’t big enough for 2 super-villains to co-exist simultaneously. Jono is usually heard before he is seen, throwing around fabricated Dragon facts and clutching onto a bottle of Soju- something which seems to give him a frightening sense of power and entitlement to anything around him.
Smut Status : Idiot
Animal : Dragon
Catch Phrase : "Hey Big Guy" ; "Boom!"
James Knox
A product of UCT, (though they have wiped all records of his admission from their database), this hazard has a severe case of FOMO and seems to spend half his salary on the bus to and from his hippie beach-town to the big city lights of Seoul each weekend. Alcohol does to him what the Haka does to Bakkie Botha, and we have been thrown out of several clubs for James getting over-excited on the dance floor and tossing bottles around the jol like a stubborn school-child. He is also followed around by the stigma of being the first to pass out on any occasion - something that he himself will attest to.
Smut Status : Soldier
Cartoon : Cinderella
Animal : Cow
Alias : Princess
An intriguing creature who has cast her spell on dozens of poor souls who remain firmly impaled on her hook to this day. A bugger in every sense of the word, she'll will be the first up on the tables and the last to turn down a drink, even if she can’t handle the repercussions that follow. Despite being equipped with trotters that any yeti would be proud of, she can be found on dance floors and bars alike, proving to natives that white Americans do have a touch of rhythm.
Smut Status : Slapper
Animal : Turtle
Cartoon Character : Sasquatch
Alias : Mac, Ken, Sparky, Bigfoot.
The best looking man to come out of Arizona in the last decade, this lady-killer is also fortunate enough to strike a startling resemblance to myself. The smooth operator has a sense of class that was unparalleled prior to my arrival on the scene. We now roam the streets together in search of hookers and cocaine, and the Koreans have not yet come up with an antidote to his web of trickery and deception. His finely-tuned nice-guy façade has trapped more than its fair share of female prey, most of which have turned to alcoholism and/or homosexuality as he left them sprawling in the alleys of Seoul and moved on to his next target. Lock up your Daughters, sisters and grandmothers. Nobody is safe.
Smut Status : Too cool for the dance-floor.
Cartoon : Wilson
Animal : Flying Fox
Alias : Tom Hanks
Catch Phrase : "Right is right!" "Jesus titty-fucking christ"
Simon Barker
A descendant of the late Ludwig van Barkenswag, who famously escaped a nazi concentration camp and then went on to triple gold in the winter Olympics the following year. Simon unfortunately inherited nothing of the great legend's genes other than his heart and zest for life. His legacy does follow a similar pattern however, having escaped from Rhodes with a degree under his belt and triumphing over his own obstacles in the quest for his first real girlfriend. A vital component to any night out in Hongdae until he reaches his inevitable breaking point and turns into a slug, offering nothing in the way of charm or entertainment. Famous for his shocking dress code as well as an uncanny transformation from sober pragmatist to drunk hazard, he is an essential player in curbing South Korea's future and reputation as a world-leading nation.
Smut Status : Rookie
Animal : Uknown
Alias : Mop
Catch Phrase : "I can't go too overboard tonight.."
GQ Lee
With ice-cold Jager running through his veins and a dress-sense that would make Barney Stinson jealous, Q has always been a head-turner. He single-handedly runs the Hongdae club scene and always seems to be followed around by a posse of super-models and giddy teenagers looking for an autograph. Naturally he is a key player in our operation, and it must be said that since he has returned to the USA the streets of Seoul just seem a little less colorful and controversial. I have never not passed out after partying with the character. The undisputed driving force in representing the 21st century gay man, I wouldn't be at all shocked to spot Q on the runways of Milan in an Armani blazer with the slogan "gay is the new straight" splashed across his chest. It's the closest most of us have ever been to crossing over to the other side. You all know who you are..
Smut status : Ice cold killer
Alias : Q
Catch Phrase : "Shut it off!" ; "I'll turn you into gay!"
Damo New-Tooth Smith
With ice-cold Jager running through his veins and a dress-sense that would make Barney Stinson jealous, Q has always been a head-turner. He single-handedly runs the Hongdae club scene and always seems to be followed around by a posse of super-models and giddy teenagers looking for an autograph. Naturally he is a key player in our operation, and it must be said that since he has returned to the USA the streets of Seoul just seem a little less colorful and controversial. I have never not passed out after partying with the character. The undisputed driving force in representing the 21st century gay man, I wouldn't be at all shocked to spot Q on the runways of Milan in an Armani blazer with the slogan "gay is the new straight" splashed across his chest. It's the closest most of us have ever been to crossing over to the other side. You all know who you are..Smut status : Ice cold killer
Alias : Q
Catch Phrase : "Shut it off!" ; "I'll turn you into gay!"
Heidi
Another product of the dusty state of Arizona, and intent on destroying the reputation of fellow countrymen across the globe with her raucous behavior and complete disrespect for any form of alcohol. A fearless and decorated general in the war on Soju, I have not yet found myself in her presence without a bottle of the vile substance being within an arm’s reach away. A force to be reckoned with on the dance floor, she has been known to unleash her gyrating booty without warning and usually take control of any arena within seconds.
Animal: Ladybug
Alias: Heidi-Ho
Catch phrase: “The Crow!” ; “I am God!”
A celebrity in every regard, the infamy that that accompanies this human is only surpassed by the mystery that surrounds him. His arrival in Seoul is always anticipated with nervous excitement and a flurry of bets as to which stunt he will choose to pull. On occasions where he is not stark naked he can be seen sporting outlandish attire that would have bought infamy to the New Zealand fashion industry - if one were to exist. If GQ is Korea's Derek Zoolander then Damo is undoubtedly Hansel. Leaving destruction and scrambling authorities in his wake, this "why not?" purist has bought more color and flair to our lives than his beloved rugby team could ever hope to.
Smut Status : Retard
Animal : Kiwi
Alias : Nightmo
A true asset to any crowd, Dave brings a unique skill set to the table. Straddling several networks of locals and waygooks alike, he is valued by each for his unwavering commitment to the institution of friendship - which essentially means he cannot say no to a beer. His impressive arsenal of native lingo should have landed him scores of local women, but more often lands him the unfortunate role of translator- as he finds himself decoding suggestive remarks between his mates and their prey before wishing the couple well as he points them towards the nearest love motel. Book early to avoid disappointment with this one folks, as David is understandably in demand from various clients and can be found anywhere from the Frisbee pitch to the RMT.
Smut Status : N/A. (will be holding your drink while you dance)
Catch Phrase : "Just fucking drink it!"
Dry as a Hunters and bitter as a kimchi sundae, Gareth is one of the few poms allowed into our coveted circle of trust. Famous for an animated character that can make Damo appear dull, he is also one of the (very) few from the Boryeong crowd able to knock back a couple of pints without wetting himself or getting into a brawl. Not much of an ambassador for Britain, it must be said. When asked to convince us of his nation's contribution to the world, all he could conjure up were ridiculous claims of the UK introducing grass to the rest of the world. Curiously, the dance floor is where he feels most at home and also where he has made his biggest splash. Nights of super-stardom on the floor of Club Vera have immortalized him in the hearts of dozens of locals who cued for the chance to climb upon his shoulders and enjoy the most famous 15 minutes of their lives. I envy them.
Smut Status : Celebrity
Alias : The Menthol Man
Animal : Gorilla
Catch Phrase : "We found America"
Disproving the theory that this town aint big enough for two superpowers to coexist, (the Styvie's), the Soju gods must have have been pissed when they permitted a second Simonsberg Blougat onto this rock to join me. Once he'd arrived it didn't take long to realize that he was looking for a fresh start after years operating under the "sotty" label back home. He arrived packing an impressive arsenal of tales from the Republic - all attesting to his former life as an athlete, comedian, philanthropist or maverick among the ladies. I can't confirm or deny such claims as I conveniently seem to be absent from each one. He employs a curious strategy when trawling for females; talking up his sporting and drinking conquests while always playing the victim card and turning each tale into a soppy war-story. If he has a roastie, sun-burn or hangover he will have his lass cooing with sympathy and subsequently snared in a well-rehearsed trap that even Grant Wilkes would be proud of.
Smut Status : Veteran
Alias : Sotty, Fatboy
Animal : Krokodil
Catch Phrase : "This one time at varsity.."
