I've never been in to the Big-city Life. Smutting to the song is about the closest I get. JHB, London, LA sort of places don’t really do it for me as much as say, a week in Mozambique. Surprise. The exception for us was San Francisco. On a trip that included Vegas and Los Angeles, ‘Shaky Town’ was always the city that we were itching to get to. Different strokes, Mike Slaghter would say, for different folks. From what we’d heard it had character and a lot to see.
We had stayed inland for the night with some great family friends in Rocklin, and had given ourselves a full day to do all we could in San Fran. We drove across Golden Gate Bridge like pioneers. The traffic jam around us suggested we were not the first though, and had clearly been beaten to the post. There was a feeling of accomplishment inside our trusty Kia, and there wasn’t much that could unhorse us and our spirits. There was some movement coming from the car beside us though; a Wall Steet type that was waving frantically at us while holding a couple of tele-conference calls simultaneously on his Blue-Teeth. It was all a bit unnerving. At first I thought he sensed a challenge from our mighty 1.6l Kia Rio and wanted to drag race across the bridge, (not a bad way to make one’s entrance). I brushed this idea aside though in defense of the Kia, which I decided wouldn’t fare very prominently against his BMW 7 series. So it must be something else that he was after. He seemed to be trying to catch Sarah’s attention. Could he be looking to get lucky? I didn’t think so- she wasn’t at her most graceful. No female looks particularly attractive while taking down an 89 cents Taco Bell wrap with Burger King napkins serving (ineffectively) as a bib. So it couldn’t be that. Was he taking offence to her other obsession, the oriental-inspired photographing technique that we had recently learnt, (shoot first ask questions later)? This yank was starting to disturb our ora and I tried to put him out of my mind. When he stepped over the line and hooted at us, I gave a little rev on the gas to show that I was backed up by Korean-Muscle, and stared across ready for a tussle. He put New York on hold, leaned out the window and said, “Hey Jack-ass. You can tell your broad to quit taking photos, this is Bay Bridge. Golden Gate is the next one down. Fucking Brits.”
We proceeded across ‘let-down’ bridge embarrassed, hurt and a bit lost. I was pissed off. Firstly; these bridges look bloody identical. Where’s the imagination? Second; calling a South African a Pom is a bit like calling a Palestinian an Israeli Jew. And finally; I agreed that Sarah had lost the plot somewhere between Starbuck’s frappechino’s and McDonald’s fries- but had she really become broad?
We made it across the bay and into the city. Putting recent blunders out of our minds we headed to the Piers that line the shore. $20 after parking the car we were walking. Street cars and trams whizzed by, people were walking dogs and in general it was a fantastic vibe. Also, people generally seemed to be less “broad” in San Francisco so at least one of us fitted in.. Each of the piers that used to function daily has now been turned into something else. Offices, apartments and restaurants now occupy the shells that had been standing at the entrance to each pier and it makes for an interested melting pot of lifestyles. At Pier 1 stands a massive farmers market selling everything from fur coats to pig trotters. And this is where we found America’s gem: The Gott’s Burger. In an unassuming cafeteria-style grill called Gott’s we stood in a line that was suspiciously long. Were they giving away free T-shirts, (yes please)? Are they slipping cocaine into every order of “uncle sams’ curly fries”? We soon found out. As we neared the counter somewhat nervously we heard that the same order was being drummed out insistently by customers/fans. When we reached the front, not wanting to hold up the line of impatiently-waiting regulars behind us we ordered the same- A Gott’s Cheeseburger.
The Gott’s Cheeseburger is not difficult to describe. An all-American beef patty. Tomato, lettuce, pickles, and a secret sauce that could bring an end to the Gaza crisis. This comes on an egg yolk bun, toasted for 8 seconds before service. Finally it is half-wrapped so that it stays together without messing, but doesn’t force you to tear your way through to get a bite (Subway). I don’t know if it is made with magic, love, or has hallucinogenic drugs in it but this little cafe is hamburger Mecca. Don’t try and make it at home- you will fail and never understand why. To put it in perspective- in a 12 day trip of California, we took an extra day just to drive into San Francisco and have another Gott’s burger. We had to make sure it was real.
The main attraction of San Francisco, (now that the Golden Gate bridge had lost its charm) was Alcatraz. The Rock. The most famous prison in the world housing names like Al Capone, Bumpy Johnson and the “Birdman” Robert Shroud in its day. The first thing that surprised us was how close it was to San Francisco itself. I estimated it at a Midmar-Mile away or so, which deflates the story of the mighty swim that 2 escaped convicts had to make and how they probably drowned. I did the Midmar Mile when I was 13, with a broken arm hovering above the water in a Checkers packet. And years later I was dropped from the 3rd team swimming at Kearsney College. So my gut tells me that the story fed to the American public about the escapees failing to complete a paddle across the bay when their lives and freedom depended on it was the usual crap that falls under the cloak of National Security. Nicely done criminals.
The island tour is pretty impressive and makes me regret never doing the Robben Island tour back in Cape Town, because I hear it is even better. Funny how you seem to neglect those touristy things in your own country when often they’re awesome, especially in South Africa. We did the whole bit, standing behind the bars, eating in the mess hall etc etc. It was pretty blind but we had to. Once we were off the island we took a tram up past all the piers, along with every other tourist in San Francisco (locals don’t even use the things apparently). And finally we decided that we had to drive over the Bridge, the real one. In a similar fashion to our entrance to the city, we exited over the Golden Gate Bridge in rush hour traffic, (this time at 5pm). With Sarah snapping away as if we were exiting Earth we finally got to the viewing point on the other side of the bay. It’s a massive park-type deal with a café en alles. Predictably the orientals were dominating the interesting viewpoints and the whole place took on a Chinatown feel which was, different. I had a photo taken standing next to bronze statue overlooking the Bridge. The guy in the statue was some old Navy seadog, but I still feel there should be a statue of the two convicts instead. Pay a brother his dues..
We left San Francisco expecting to tick a box off on our list. Instead we ticked off another- best burger in the world. My advice on the city is this; do Alcatraz, do the Bridge and do a street tram. But for the love of god do Gott’s Café.
NB Question- The view of San Francisco from Alcatraz is awesome. However the view of Alcatraz from San Francisco is very average, so really, who got the raw deal?
NB Fact- Gott’s café can be found at 1 Ferry Bldg Marketplace Shop #6, as well as in Heaven.
